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Backstage with Baldy

Denver – September 1st

Oh, to be young and drunk and adventurous again.

I miss the good old days of throwing caution to the wind, throwing half a fifth of Southern Comfort down my gullet, and throwing the horns at a Dio concert.

Of course I left one piece of the puzzle out of that first sentence: the stupid piece.

Because it’s hard to be young and drunk and adventurous without being a little (or a lot) stupid.

And it’s not too hard to witness any or all of those components when you walk through the house at a rock concert.

And as I walked through the house last night in Denver, I witnessed all four in one quick incident.

Let me set the scene by quickly describing the layout of the Fiddler’s Green Amphitheatre. (And for the record, most amphitheaters are like this)

Going out from the stage you have a pit, then you have a seated section, then you have a grassy area. Usually at the back of the pit area is where things start to incline and go uphill, so sightlines are unobstructed as the rows go back to the lawn.

So if you’ve never been to an amphitheater, the main point I’m trying to get across is that as a person goes from the back of the venue to the front, they’re going downhill.

Which leads me to what I witnessed midway through the Alice In Chains show in Denver last night.

I was walking through the house, checking things out from different areas and just taking a general temperature of the show and the crowd, when a guy zipped past me to my left.

I immediately knew what was going on. Someone had jumped the fence separating the grassy area from the seats, and was making a beeline for the pit.

Now that’s quite a bit of distance to cover in a short amount of time, because like all fence jumpers, he had security in pursuit.

None of this is really unusual, and it wouldn’t even warrant mentioning except for what happened next, because he wasn’t alone.

(Young drunk adventurous stupidity usually happens in numbers of two or greater)

So as the young dude sprinted towards the pit in a blur, he was followed by his partner in crime.

Here’s the deal though. If you’re going to do something that could result in your being chased, you need to dress for success.

And this young woman was definitely not dressed for getting from point A to point B with any degree of rapidity.

Here, in no particular order, are three things that are going to impede your chances of successfully eluding authority on foot:

1)            Skintight dress

2)            A fairly substantial weight issue

3)            High heels

While culprit #1 had Usain Bolted his way to the pit, his friend/girlfriend/accomplice was making a somewhat sad and fruitless attempt at keeping up, to no avail.

Her heels kept buckling, she kept wobbling, and gravity and angle were doing her no favors either, and by the time security caught her she had dropped down on one knee.

It was kind of sad actually. I was really rooting for her, but it was sort of like watching a car with one flat tire drive the last block to the gas station for air.

Even security took mercy on her. Instead of being kicked out, she was just escorted back to the grassy area, where she was left to watch the remainder of the show broken and alone.

I think the guy made it into the pit safely, but I can’t be certain, as I was mesmerized by the robust gal in the cocktail dress keeling over like a hot air balloon deflating.

So let this be a lesson to you all.

If you plan on getting liquored up and flouting the laws of society, know your physical limitations, plan ahead, and wear the proper footwear.

Or better yet, just stay in the area you purchased a ticket in and enjoy the show.

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