Backstage with Baldy
London – June 17th
I went shopping for gay pornography with Sean Kinney in London today.
Normally I’d take the time to write about the Download Festival, and how great the fans were, and how cool it was to hang out with people backstage, and blah blah blah.
Or I could write about how Alice In Chains were presented with the Icon Award at tonight’s Metal Hammer Golden Gods Awards in London.
But somehow I feel like gay porn shopping with Sean screams to be written about a little bit more than those other events, so here’s the story.
The last few times we’ve come to London, we’ve stayed at the same hotel.
Legend has it that this particular hotel is haunted, so we were discussing it a few weeks ago when Sean’s tech mentioned that he’d had a paranormal experience here years ago.
To synopsize the story, he went to sleep and woke up in the morning to find a book on the foot of his bed.
And that’s it.
So whether you’re a believer in the paranormal or not, I think you’d have to agree that it’s a fairly weak story, so after he told it we lit him up like a Christmas tree with a fusillade of verbal abuse.
Not long after hearing his story I came up with the idea of getting a key to his room while we were here and putting a book on the foot of his bed while he was out.
Then while we were discussing it today and getting the plan in place Jerry or Sean piped up with the thought of not using a book, but getting one or two gay magazines instead.
The next thing you know, I’m walking the streets of London’s Soho district with Sean
trying to find some quality gay porn.
And it wasn’t that easy. We had a few false starts before we finally made it to a place that had some.
It’s a bit surreal to be in a porn shop with your buddy and openly complaining about the lack of hardcore gay porn, but that’s what we were doing until we eventually found some.
Naturally Sean sent me up to buy it, and the sales clerk asked me if I wanted anything else to go with it.
I hadn’t even finished replying when I heard the biggest cliché in the porn shop business come flying out of my mouth: “Oh no thanks. This is for someone else”.
I figured it was best to just laugh it off with the clerk (believe me, he was laughing) and let him keep thinking that Sean & I were purchasing a copy of Tops & Bottoms for ourselves.
We made our way back to the hotel shortly after Sean’s tech left for dinner, and we went and strategically placed the materials on his bed.
I can’t remember the name of the second magazine we bought, but Sean left it open to a full page spread of a transvestite blow drying a pair of panties, which we figured would be effective. And the cover of Tops & Bottoms was the perfect addition to tie the room together in a three way union of fright, filth, and feng shui.
Within the hour we were loaded in our car about to pull out on our way to the Golden Gods Awards when we saw Sean’s tech come out of the hotel.
The windows were rolled up so we couldn’t hear what he was saying, but you really don’t have to be a professional lip reader to understand the heavyweight champion of four syllable words. (Hint: It starts with an M)
I’m not sure if he appreciated the effort or was just really frightened of gay ghosts, but at least we all know for certain that his spooky story now has a proper ending.
Backstage With Baldy
There’s only one bad thing about a great time – it eventually has to end. Touring for The Devil Put Dinosaurs Here has been a great time. And like every great tour, it has to end somewhere, sometime. And somewhere...