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Backstage with Baldy

Ridgefield – September 8th

Today’s write-up is about the human brain.

Mike Inez’s brain in particular.

And to a greater degree it’s also about psychology, and what makes those of us who know and love him want to dig our way into Mike’s psyche and carve it up like a jack-o-lantern on Halloween.

The seeds of this grand experiment were planted in the late morning in Ridgefield, Washington, and implemented shortly thereafter.

12:18 P.M. – I send a text to Mike. “Duff just stopped by the dressing room looking for you. Seemed important.”

12:20 P.M. – Sean’s former drum tech Tavis, who was at the venue, sends a similar text to Mike, basically repeating what I’d just said, but adding that Duff seemed upset.

12:25 P.M. – Jerry jumps in the mix, sending his own text, asking Mike what he did to piss off Duff.

12:25 P.M. – Mike calls Jerry. Jerry doesn’t answer.

12:26 P.M. – Mike calls Tavis. Tavis doesn’t answer.

12:26 P.M. – Mike calls Duff. Duff doesn’t answer.

12:27 P.M. – Mike calls me. I don’t answer.

Meanwhile, Jerry, Tavis, Duff, and I were all sitting on the bus watching football as the plan was being hatched and executed to perfection.

What started all of this? Two things really.

First off, Mike was playing Duff in week 1 of the Alice In Chains Fantasy Football League, and Mike had been talking some serious trash the previous two days.

Secondly, Mike loves Duff (And puppies, and sunshine, and everyone really), so the thought of Duff being mad at him was something we knew would eat Mike’s brains up.

So after running into brick walls with every text and phone call he made for 30 minutes, Mike called me and I answered. He wanted the runner to come grab him at the hotel and bring him down to the gig straightaway.

The runner wasn’t available, so Mike jumped in a cab and rushed down to the venue.

He was desperate to clear up this misunderstanding and make sure Duff knew he was just kidding.

By the time Mike arrived on site and made his way to Jerry’s bus, I was off doing actual work, so I missed the grand climax of our experiment.

But that’s okay, because according to the reports I got, no one was able to keep a straight face, and Mike figured out that we’d been tormenting him for the last 90 minutes over nothing.

Although steered by grown men of limited maturity and a stunted sense of morality, our human behavior experiment was conducted within the rigid standards of any proper scientific trial.

1)        The Question – Will Mike lose his mind if we lead him to believe Duff is mad at him?

2)        The Hypothesis – Yes, Mike will lose his mind

3)        The Procedure – Send the texts. Ignore his replies. Let his brain melt down.

4)        The Results – Mikes brain was gyrating like a washing machine on spin cycle.

5)        The Conclusion – We are mad geniuses who can control human emotion and behavior with a few simple text messages.

Much like teenage girls all over the world.

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Backstage with Baldy

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