Backstage with Baldy
Saratoga Springs – August 13th
William Duvall is a man who enjoys fresh juice.
On our last few tours, we’ve had it written into the rider that the venue will provide a juicer in the band’s dressing room so that William (and anyone else) can mix himself up a healthy fruit & vegetable juice when he arrives on site.
For the Uproar tour, the decision was made to just go out and buy a juicer of our own to carry with us from city to city.
In theory, this is a great idea. We know we’ll always have a top-flight juicer in the dressing room, as sometimes in the past we were provided with some sub-standard models.
However, purchasing the juicer was a decision that was made without my input.
If I’d been consulted beforehand, I would have done everything in my power to dissuade the powers that be from making this move.
And if you’ve ever owned or operated a juicer, you know why.
Cleaning a juicer is a colossal pain in the balls.
Basically, for every cup of juice that you get, you create a heaping seven pound mound of pulpy, garbage-y, vegetable slop.
And here’s the simple rationale that goes along with this story:
When the venue provides the juicer, the venue provides the poor sucker who has to clean the juicer.
When we possess our own juicer, that sucker becomes me.
Did I mention that this juicer comes apart into eight separate pieces?
And that each one is covered in, or filled with, vegetable glop?
And that the sinks in a standard venue dressing room are about half the size they need to be to accommodate most of these parts?
And day one of me cleaning the juicer resulted in Sean Kinney emerging from the bathroom shortly after the process and asking who puked in the sink. (Turns out that vegetable glop residue looks a LOT like vomit)
As much as I try to be a team player out here and help out wherever I can, sometimes you just have to draw the line, and it turns out my line gets drawn at juicer cleaning.
I put my foot down and loudly proclaimed to anyone within earshot that I would not be doing any juicer cleaning in the future.
And two things happened.
First off, the band immediately began re-writing the Jane’s Addiction catalog with lyrics reflecting my hatred for juicers, and secondly (and more surprisingly) they accepted my refusal and didn’t try and force me to do it.
Being a nice guy, and feeling bad about throwing a juicer fit, I relented slightly and agreed to rinse it with the understanding that the head of Uproar hospitality would have it cleaned (Thanks Paul).
It turns out that rinsing a juicer is still an annoying kick to the boo boo, but I guess it could be worse.
And on the bright side, Jerry came out of the bathroom earlier tonight asking who puked in the sink.
This could become a tradition.