I am glad to hear about your ruling. My thoughts and wishes are with you hun.

more hugs!

---

Body Evolution

SugarTaste:

Oh, yeah, and....metastases to the lung means a new prognosis of 1 year or less survival time...but you all know what I think about that...it means "fuck 'em and I'll see you at the show!

 damn right, sistah!.....fuck that

i've GOT to get you called one of these days....until then, congrats on winning one from the military ~ that is awesome!
stay strong, miss ya ~

---

sludge:

a wet nurse w/ 8 golden cocks under her

SugarTaste:

excess estrogen causes cancer...fact...proven...fact.

Wow...I did not know that
Thank you for the update Sugar....
the radiation article was indeed scary,
sure I've heard that the humble microwave oven has similar effects too.
Looks like certain inventions that were to benefit our lives may actually be causing more damage than good.

 

---

rachey-roo.deviantart.com

You're right about the microwave Rach...all microwaves are suspect.  Check the small print in your cell phone handbook regarding health risks...they address potential hazards.  Read up on EMF (electro-magnetic fields) too, like we all sit in/around while on on comps, etc. You just can't screw with the body's natural energy patterns without some recourse.  We are "wired" a certain way for a reason...not to mention most of us do not get enough sun, which is how we absorb energy....humans absorb more energy than does almost any other being on earth...then lots of us don't sleep when its dark like we should...many cancers "sleep" when melatonin kicks in, but it doesn't kick in if we have the TV or lights on where we sleep...the pharma-giants are hard at work trying to develop a synthetic melatonin...interesting to note that one of the highest breast cancer rates occurs in women who work nights for long periods...oh, yeah, and those who work in and administer chemotherapy to cancer patients...the presence of hazardous materials "spill kits" in all chemo clinics is a glaring red flag..

So, yeah...it does sometimes seem like "everything causes cancer"...but that's really misleading, and its a cop-out...natural stuff does not cause cancer....synthetic substances, chemicals, and virtually anything processed tax the body to the point that it cannot heal itself and kill the naturally occuring cancer cells we develop everyday...

That's important to remember...cancer is not a specific disease...its a state of health...a cancer cell is simply a cell that has been damaged...the 3 common characteristics amongst all types of cancer is 1) the cell is not differentiated (meaning it doesn't know what type of cell its supposed to be), 2) cell division rate is increased (cause it doesn't know how fast or slowly its supposed to divide), and 3) apoptosis is decreased (meaning it doesn't know when to die)....a tumor is just a mass of stupid, quickly multiplying, slowly dying cells...they also have the uncanny ability to develop their own blood supply systems, and use garbage to feed on...there is an increasing body of work indicating that the "tumor" itself is the body's last defense in trying to isolate and capture all the crap we expose it to...cancer cells can't exist in a body pure of toxins, properly energized and properly oxygenated...this has all been proven for a long time...its not true that we don't know what causes cancers...

Totally off the subject (sort of) but my little boy told me the other day that he wanted me to be buried with a very special "stuffy" he gave me when I was going through chemo, and I told him I thought I'd prefer to have my body donated to science.  I thought that would scare him, but he thought it was a great idea, so they could study it and learn more and maybe "no more mommies would get cancer"...isn't that heartbreakingly fucking cool?

Now, "its my blog, and I can whine if I want to..." Today is one of those "bad" days...I could hardly get out of bed for the pain...my neck, shoulder, low back, both hips, and my goddam foot (that's something new that's cropped up)...my head feels like it weighs a ton...

Over the last few weeks, I've gradually begun to have more "bad" days than "good"...and its a vicious cycle...when I don't feel good, I don't take care of myself, because I'm too fatigued to fix a decent meal...and I feel starved or malnourished.  And, because I can't get up and move around, I lack the energy from excercise.  I feel nauseous, so I don't take my vitamins and natural supplements.  Then I get depressed, so I drink...a very sick cycle.  The pain gets worse, so I take pain meds, and then I'm totally inert...but can't sleep...its totally fucked.  On the occasion that I can achieve some level of energy and feeling of vitality, I go "balls out", overexert, and then crash and burn again.  I don't know how I'm going to do all of the things I want to do this summer.  I'm starting to look at "hov-around" and "scooter" brochures...I look around and notice how little handicap access there is...I'm terrified I'm going to break a bone, because I know it won't heal.  I noticed on my chest xray the other day that where the big tumor is in my upper humerus the bone looks like shattered glass...like its just going to crumble.  And it hurts like hell most of the time now...

I'm supposed to see my counselor today, and I'm sooo fucking tired, and sick of crying...but I'm also sick of feeling resentful of everyone, so I'll go...then I'm supposed to go for a "lymphatic drain" massage...and I know I'm gonna feel even worse after that, because it releases a ton of toxins into my blood stream...then tomorrow I can go sit in the cold and the rain for an hour and a half and watch my son's soccer practice, because that's what a "good mommy" does...

So, this is a "bad" day...when I hurt to the core, have absolutely no energy, my body feels like a fucking wasteland, and my future seems so dire that I want to just give up...this is one of those days that when I hear "chin up", "stay strong", "keep fighting"...I just want to say "fuck off", kick them in the teeth, and roll over and die.  My best friend is getting married in Vegas, and a couple nights ago we spent like 6 hours online planning the trip.  When I told her that I could care less about a kick-ass hotel pool, because I can't sit and bake in the 105 degree heat anymore, she said, "don't be negative"...like if I just "think positive thoughts", I'll be fine...I want to stay on the strip, cause I've never been to Vegas, and she has...I want to be close to my hotel so when I feel like shit, I can go rest, without fucking around with a cab ride in the heat.  I want nice restaurants in my hotel so I don't have to walk too far to eat.  I want a nice comfy room, cause I'm actually going to spend some time in it...and I resent her for not understanding, for not accepting that I can't do what I used to be able to do...that I'm just not as fun and "unstoppable" anymore.  I resent her for trying to get me to wear a "matron-of-honor" dress 2 sizes too small, because she likes it, she's paying for it, and "come on...its only one night, you can handle it...".  Fuck, man....I've got fluid on my lung, tumors in my ribs, and I've had 5 fucking surgeries on my back and chest...it fucking hurts.  I resent her for making me go to 3 stores and try on 20 dresses, when I hurt so bad I could hardly stand up.  I don't want to hear, "oh, come on...you can do it" anymore, because I can't...and if I, and others, don't start acknowledging and accomodating my limitations, I'm gonna fucking drop...maybe I should have complained more, whined more...but I resent people for making me do that...you know, be honest about how I'm REALLY feeling...because most people really don't want to hear the truth anyway...that would be too depressing...and some people resent me being sick.  My brother said the other day, in a fit of denial, "you think all those people would have come to your birthday unless they thought you'd be dead in 6 months?  Don't expect them to be there next year...".   Yeah, brother...don't expect me to be there either...I want to accept that he's just scared, and give him a hug...but it hurt, and it gets harder and harder to deal with all the fucked up ways people aren't dealing with the reality.  I'm the sick one, I'm dealing with it...why can't they?

See how fucking resentful I am...I'm a mess...this is not one of my "graceful" moments.  At least I know what to cry about in therapy today...it'll just be one big $135.00 box of Kleenex....

I'm supposed to talk about my dreams.  The other night I dreamt I was prancing around the hardwood floors in my grandparents old house...my grandparents are all deceased and the house is gone now; it was condemned and demolished years because of my brothers meth-related, chop-shopping, dope-house behaviour.  But in my dream, it was new...and bright, and sunny...and the floors were clean and slippery, and I was dancing about in tights like a ballerina, just like when I was little.  I slid onto the kitchen linoleum, opened the frig, and sat down and looked into the vegetable bin.  It was chock full of fresh veggies, and I was happy...there was always a salt-shaker on the garden fence post because that's all you needed for a sun-warmed, juicy tomatoe lunch.  So, I'm sitting on the cool kitchen floor, in nothing but tights, staring into the vegable bin, and suddenly blurt out, "...life is short...", and burst into tears...I woke up still sobbing, my pillow wet with tears...what happened to all those simply joyful moments? When we notice  how lovely and cool the hardwood floors feel under our bare feet in the hot summer?  When just knowing Grama is sitting in the beautiful sunlit living room makes us feel happy and safe?  And the anticipation of a  garden fresh tomatoe makes us smile?...god, I was a happy child....
 

---

i'm sorry sugar....i can't imagine what you're going through. i know you hear that a lot and i told you this before. it sucks that some people fail to realize what you're goin through. you have every right to bitch and complain about your situation. nobody else has the right to judge or criticize you when they have no idea how you are feeling.

everytime i read your blogs it puts things in perspective for me. it makes me realize that i need to focus on all the many things i have to be thankful for in my life. rather than bitch and moan about what's going wrong. cause it could be far worse.

 

you're a stronger person than i'll ever be.

Well said, Sludge!

I feel the same way.  Just helpless and so damn sorry our Sugar's having to go through this.

You can bitch and complain all you want to us!

 

---

"We play so fine, don't you agree?" ~ Layne Staley

"We want to celebrate what we did and the memory of our friend." ~ Jerry Cantrell

Maybe your friends feel that they would be letting you down if they didn't stay positive. Or I guess, more likely, they're afraid of the emotions involved in acknowledging that you are dying. That was hard for me to say and I don't really even know you.

We have this Hollywood made notion that when someone is facing death that they do it with grace and quiet courage. I don't know , but I'm willing to bet most people are  terrified and pretty fucking unhappy about the interruption in they're lives.

If this woman is really your best friend, she is going to regret not knowing what you were going through. That really  is what friends are for.

Sugar first I want to say congrats on the court ruling. i'm so happy for you for that. and I am such an idiot cause all this time i coulnd't read it all and i thought this topic was about war. and talking about that in a public forum to me is taboo. so i'm glad something made me open it tonight. I want to thank you so much for all the information you have given. i have learned so much. and commend you on your strength and your will. You seem like you have so much fire and must be so fun to be around.

YOU ARE ALIVE GIRL!!!! you are alive and you have soooo much to live for. and focus onthat when the shit seems to pile up. as hard as it is. i myself have health issues. fibromyalgia, endometriosis, intersticial systitis which means basicallymy bladder was full of ulcers. ah yeah fun. excruciating stomach for a year which the doctors could never figure out. whole lot of fun. but i know it cant compare to what you are going thoruhg. but everyone has there crosses onthis planet. and you are so not alone. for me i had to say Lynda be stronger than the pain and i did almost have a nervous breakdown over it all. that was all in my prime twenties. when it was supposed to be the good times in my life.

 I will see you at the LSF. i am planning on going this year. do something nice for yourself sugar. spa day. maybe a spa day. go no a shopping spree. go on a short vacation. and remember you are still here with us. and very much loved. it's ok to feel resentment you ahve all the right to feel it. just let go of the worry as hard as it is. i'm not sure i fyou are spiritual but pray and meditiate on beautiful momentsin your life such as your dream. you will find inner peace this way. works better than any pill. quiet your mind. i wish you peace of mind girl. and you are rockstar for writing this blog. take comfort in knowing we are all here for you.  hugs and kisses.

---

sugar, with everything you're going through it's normal to be angry or sad for days at a time.  most people are not going to understand because they can't.  and one of the worst things about a self-centered society is that it forces us all to be a little more that way just to get by.  i'm hoping your friends and family will be touched with more compassion for your sake and theirs.  that dream was so beautiful.  nothing like being at the grandparents' house.

---

^ qwning sig by creep!

bionicanna:

sugar, congrats about the ruling!  thanks so much for sharing the info with us.  i've recently cut soy out of my diet because it mimics estrogen.  until we meet at a show, you're in my thoughts and prayers.

Thanks bionicanna ~ scary about soy eh?  It was supposed to be the fix-all dairy substitute...now its suspect for a number of health issues, especially in children...too much of a good thing...we are such a knee-jerk culture...my docs say NO soy at all for me...

Sludge ~ darlin' I've said this before too...we are all stronger than we know...we have no idea what we can endure.  In comparison I've had it really easy so far...I still don't know how I'm gonna do this to the end...I feel like a *** already...lol.   But I'm glad you find some inspiration in my experience...I lose my perspective daily, and I look to others to help me too, to get back to the important things...none of us get through life alone...

---

And thanks again to all of you...you've helped me get one ass-cheek off the pity pot...and I know its okay to feel down sometimes...I just feel like I don't have time for it...but you are all so right.  And I truly value the fact that I can be honest here...and be immediately forgiven for being a turd...lol. 

I know everyone in my life is scared for me, and for themselves, and to think of them without me breaks me heart...maybe that's why I expect them to be perfect, so I don't have to worry so much about how they will all be...I'm realizing that the emotional stuff involved with this is by far the toughest...its hard as hell to let go...and realize we can't control everything, and never did...

sms...you are right indeed...grace and quiet courage...that's what I long for...of all my accomplishments in life, I want to do this the best...but that's just my ego, I think...I know I'll be remembered for greater things than this...especially if I can keep my head and heart in the right place...my counselor helps me see that as my body fails me, so will my psyche, my emotional reserves, and my spirituality...and that's normal, and its okay...some days we dig down, and there's just nothing left...and to realize that when I feel this way, I've likely really overdone it, and really really just need to rest...if I don't honor my body's needs, how can I expect anyone else to...

Love you guys...morning meds, cup o' tea and back to bed...like a good girl...lol. 

 

 

---

hey sugar, i've been AWOL for a few weeks so have only just caught up on your blog.  Congratulations on the ruling, I'm glad that justice has prevailed for once and a big for never giving up, you're like a little terrier!

How are things now for you?

I've read every word of your last long post and whilst I don't have anywhere near the pain that you're in I've suffered from deep depression and I've felt those feelings resentment and anger towards my friends & family too.  sms is right, people hide their real feelings and it comes across that they don't care or understand, this destroyed trust and friendships in my life and I don't want that to happen to you.  Tell them how you feel and how they make you feel.  It's important that they know the old Sugar is inside, but that she can't come out right now and maybe never will.

I am glad that you know you can come here and vent, if anything the people on this board a pretty empathetic and it is a real community.  It and we will always be here for you.

I hope you'll be feeling well enough on 8 May for Camp Freddy, I so want to buy you a beer!

---

What do you think about the Get Born Again movie?
Jerry: Yes. It’s fucking horseshit.

Having whined and vented and ranted and raved, its only fair to share my "good" days with you all...today is one of them!!  And, yesterday and the day before.

I've been really really proactive about my health lately and its really paying off.  In the last two weeks, I've been twice to the chiropractor, twice to the massage therapist for deep tissue work and lymphatic drainage work, as well as something new to me..Bowenwork...interesting stuff, I replenished all my empty supplements, have been out walking, and had Reiki done.  I can't believe how much energy I have lately...and with the counseling, I'm just feeling better emotionally.  In fact, I can't remember when I've felt so good in a long time.  I've been trying to do some visualization too, which I have a really hard time with, but I keep trying.  Its amazing how much difference it makes when you take care of yourself.  Its easy to get complacent.

I'm planning a number of trips this summer and getting excited knowing I'm going to likely feel much better.  I was getting really bummed thinking these trips were just gonna be heinous for me physically.  

My sister came from Fremont (Bay Area) to visit last weekend and we had such a wonderful time, just hanging out and talking, talking, talking, crying, and laughing...it was a real shot in the arm for both of us...

Anyway, I got a new MacBook Pro and it took awhile to get it set up  so I haven't been around much but did definitely want to share how well I've been.  You guys are always so supportive and I wanted you to know that all the energy you send my way is not "all for naught" and definitely not forgotten ; )

Now, I have to get off this thing, out into the sun, do a bit of walking, breathing, smelling the roses, etc....

Have a great one all... 

---

i read every post, not just tonight but basically from day one, but i never wrote anything 'cos cancer is a touchy subject for me: it took away my grandmother, almost the other one and it's taking away one of my aunties...it's painful even to talk about it.

i got so much respect for you, sugar. really. you're going through hell with a magnificent dignity that not everybody has. you're a hero, simply because you're human. you'll always have my admiration and love.

my greatest wish is for you to treasure every moment. ''carpe diem'' the latins said...

serena.

---

candy heart, what a waste...

aw thanks for spreading the sunshine sugar.  that brightened my day!

---

^ qwning sig by creep!